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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25028806">Darkness of the Mind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_another_outcast/pseuds/just_another_outcast'>just_another_outcast</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Physician (2013)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Internal Conflict, Mirdin is a good bro, Rob doubts himself</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:02:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,497</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25028806</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_another_outcast/pseuds/just_another_outcast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The death toll continues to climb, and Rob feels powerless to stop it, just as he was powerless to save his mother.  He was alone then, but he's not alone anymore.  Mirdin is his best friend, and Mirdin will not let him weather any storm alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rob Cole &amp; Mirdin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Darkness of the Mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/rolypoly_panda/gifts">rolypoly_panda</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks to the wonderful Prodigal Son discord, I've caved and will be writing fic for The Physician.  This is the first of at least three fics I'll be writing lol.  I've never written in this kind of elevated vernacular before, so I hope I did it all justice and the diction and all that feels true to how they speak in the movie.  I hope you enjoy, and please leave a review :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Night was supposed to be a time of rest and recuperation before undergoing another day of work that, at times, seemed pointless.  They could only treat the symptoms of the plague, not the disease itself, which left so many to die.  No matter how much they learned, more was still unknown.  Even with burning all the bodies and getting rid of as many rats as possible, it wasn't enough.  People were still dying, and there seemed to be nothing Rob could do to save any of them.  What was the point of having his gift if he couldn't stop the deaths from happening?</p>
<p>That was the question that he mulled over as he tossed and turned in his cot.  He couldn't seem to save anyone, just like he couldn't save his mother.  Every day Rob did what he did in order to try to prevent any child from losing their parent ever again, but it was never enough.  It was just like Ibn Sina and his old master said.  Nothing he ever did would bring his mother back.  But knowing that didn't make it any easier.</p>
<p>Rob sighed.  His missed his old master terribly.  The barber had become the father that Rob hadn't had for years.  His own father had died just before Rob's youngest sibling had been born, and as the years went on, Rob found that he couldn't remember the man at all.  When he thought of his father, of the man who raised him, he thought of the barber who he had essentially forced to become his father.  That was the man who had begrudgingly taken him in and taught him all he knew.  The barber was the man that had always been there for him.  Leaving him on the cliffs of Dover had been one of the hardest things Rob had ever had to do.  He knew he was doing the right thing - at least, he hoped he was, God willing - but it also meant he would never see the man again.  Even after he eventually returned to England, as he planned to, the chances of finding him again were slim to none.  At least while he was in Isfahan he had another father figure.  When he returned to England, he would be alone once again.</p>
<p>That thought alone made him consider staying, never going back.  He could stay with Mirdin a while longer, or even with Ibn Sina if he became too much for Mirdin's family to handle.  Rob was sure the man wouldn't mind, although he would hate to ask.</p>
<p>But no, he couldn't.  The whole reason he came to Isfahan was to learn enough that he could return and serve the people of England greater.  He couldn't do his work for the glory of God if he couldn't even proclaim God.  Another stab of guilt went through him.  He'd been denying his faith for so long, to protect his own life, and it hurt.  Did the ends justify the means?  Rob was doing this for good reasons, but was anything worth denying his faith for so long?  Could he be forgiven as Simon Peter was?  He certainly couldn't live the rest of his life that way, and that's how he would have to live if he stayed.  That wasn't an option.  He would rather be martyred than continue living the lie, but being martyred would defeat the entire purpose of going to Isfahan and learning how to be a great healer.  No, going back to England was the only option.</p>
<p>Thoughts of England quickly turned into thoughts of his mother, which turned back into thoughts of all the people he had failed to save.  Still, Rob shut his eyes again and attempted to force his exhausted body to relax.  If he was going to save anyone, he needed to be well rested.</p>
<p>Rob fell into a fitful sleep, but couldn't be so lucky as to have the sleep be dreamless.  Rob was never that lucky.</p>
<p>His mother was there, smiling at him.  He missed her so much.  He was grown up, but his mother was the same age as when she had died.  Had she always been so young?</p>
<p>Rob tried to call out to her, but no sound would leave his lips.  He tried to run to her, but his legs wouldn't move.  The only thing he could do was lift his arm, but she was out of his reach.  No matter how hard he tried, he could do nothing to get to her.  Once again, he was helpless.</p>
<p>"Can you save me, now?" she asked him, her eyes filling with tears.  Her face slowly scrunched up with pain, looking just as she did when the side sickness stole her from him and his siblings.  "Rob, please, please help me."  She fell to her knees, arms wrapped around her torso.  She let out a scream of pain that had Rob's heart clenching.  He tried to move, but he couldn't.  He was stuck in some thick molasses and he couldn't do anything to help her.  Rob was just as helpless to do anything now as he had been as a child.</p>
<p>He opened his mouth in a silent scream as his mother was dragged under the dark clouds surrounding them, her eyes open yet unseeing.  More and more bodies followed, each one a plague victim he hadn't been able to save.  Each one was pulled into an abyss where he could not reach them, each one pulled away from him, each one a reminder of his failure.</p>
<p>He turned to see Rebecca.  She was still alive, but her gaze was empty and lifeless.  Her husband appeared next to her, an arm possessively pulling her close.  The man was smiling, a disgusting, evil smile as he held his property.  He began to push her down, into the swirling dark clouds beneath them, surrounding them, encompassing everything.  Rob tried to lunge forward, to stop him, to save her, but he still couldn't move.  Something was holding his feet back.  He glanced down to see that the clouds were wrapping around his legs, keeping him in place - keeping him helpless.</p>
<p>"No, let her go," he tried to scream.  It came out as a barely audible mumble.  At least he was able to say something.  "Do not harm her."  Still, the man pushed Rebecca further into the abyss.  She was crying.  "Not her too."  Maybe Rob was crying as well.</p>
<p>"You're next," the man said, then Rebecca was gone.  Rob cried out in anguish.  He had failed once again.  He couldn't save her.</p>
<p>Hands were on him, pulling him back, holding him down.  Down?</p>
<p>Rob's eyes shot open as he gasped in a lungful of air.</p>
<p>"Jesse, Jesse, you're alright," Mirdin called out.  "It's only a dream."  Rob could barely make out Mirdin's face in the dark room, but he knew his friends dark eyes would be filled with concern.</p>
<p>He wanted to assuage it, but Rob could barely breathe.  His breaths were coming so quickly that he didn't have time to actually take in any air.  Mirdin's hands went to his back and shoulder, holding him gently.</p>
<p>"It's alright," his friend repeated.  "You're safe, everything is alright."</p>
<p>Rob squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on breathing steadily.  He was thankful for the darkness.  Mirdin wouldn't be able to see his tears.  Rob prayed for peace upon himself, that his body that would realize that all was well, and needed to resume normal breathing.</p>
<p>Perhaps a minute later, he could breathe once more.  Mirdin still hadn't left his side.  If anything, the man had come even closer, holding on to Rob more tightly in response to Rob's trembling.</p>
<p>"Are you alright?" Mirdin quietly asked.  The house wasn't large.  By speaking, they ran the risk of waking Mirdin's parents and siblings.  He and Rob shared a room, that likely being the reason why Mirdin had awoken to Rob's nightmare, but the other rooms were close by as well.  Rob didn't want anyone else to know about it.</p>
<p>"Yes," Rob muttered, looking away from Mirdin, even though neither one of them could see each other in the dark anyway.  Their room only had one small window, but it was too dark outside for any light to get in.  "I'm sorry for waking you," he said.</p>
<p>Mirdin sighed and sat down on the cot, right next to Rob.  He began to rub his back lightly.  Rob didn't push him away.</p>
<p>"Don't be," Mirdin replied.  "You are my friend, and I am glad to be by your side when something ails you, even something unseen.  So please, tell me, Jesse, what's wrong?"</p>
<p>Rob almost laughed.  What was wrong?  There was so much wrong.  Where was he supposed to begin?  Shall he start with his status as an orphan who lost his siblings too?  Or maybe he should begin with leaving his homeland and traveling to a place where he had to conceal his faith in order to survive, which he only did on a hope that the ends justified the means.  Maybe he should tell Mirdin about his fears that he'd never come to terms with his mother's passing and live the rest of his life in fear that he'd never be good enough to save the people he loved.  Of course, there was also his gift to sense death, and the fact that he was in love with a married woman.  Rob ran his hands over his face and took a deep breath.  He knew that Mirdin wouldn't believe him if he said that nothing was wrong.  Clearly the man had heard at least part of his nightmare, and thus knew that his mind was troubled.</p>
<p>"I watched my mother die," he muttered.  "Long ago.  Side sickness.  There was nothing anyone in all of England could have done to save her.  Yet even here, no one can cure it."  He shook his head as another tear fell.  "I fear I will never be the healer I long to be, the healer I wish to return to England as.  That's what I dreamt of.  Watching my mother die again."  He would leave out the rest of his dream.  Mirdin didn't need to know any more about his feelings towards Rebecca.  The man was smart, and likely already knew more than he said.  Rob didn't need to confirm any of the man's suspicions.</p>
<p>"We cannot always know the ways of the Lord," Mirdin said, pulling Rob closer.  Rob let his head fall onto his friends shoulder.  Mirdin didn't seem to mind.  "What He sets in motion works together for His purposes, even when we cannot understand."  He paused for another moment, and continued running his hand up and down Rob's shoulder in calming motions.  "If it hadn't been for your mother, you may not have found your way here.  I wouldn't know you, and you wouldn't be well on your way to becoming the greatest physician the land of England has ever seen."  Mirdin rocked Rob back and forth with a chuckle that Rob couldn't help but to match.</p>
<p>"You should come back with me," Rob suggested, then instantly regretted it.  Mirdin had been born and raised in Isfahan.  Who was Rob to ask him to abandon his home, his family, his entire life, just so Rob wouldn't be quite so lonely anymore?</p>
<p>"I may."</p>
<p>Rob leaned back upright and turned to face his friend, even though he could barely make out his features in the dark.  He must have misheard him.  But before Rob could ask, Mirdin continued.</p>
<p>"There are more than enough hakims here in Isfahan," he said with a shrug - Rob felt the shrug against his own shoulder rather than saw it.  "But other parts of the world, like your England, are sorely lacking in proper medical care.  And besides, I have seen so little of God's creation, and I wish to see more of it, especially these red-headed women you speak of."</p>
<p>"They are quite fair," Rob agreed, instead of mentioning how much it meant to him that his best friend was even considering his offer of joining him in England.  Of course, if Mirdin did go with him, he would have to tell him the truth about who he was.  Then again, telling Mirdin the truth meant he could share the Gospel with his best friend, so, truly, it was not an issue.  "Think we could get Karim to join us?" he asked, mostly in jest, but it would've been another lie to say that Rob didn't wish he could bring them both back to England with him.</p>
<p>"For red-headed women?  He'd do anything," Mirdin quickly replied.  They shared a laugh, which quickly turned into a yawn for Rob.  "Are you alright, now?" Mirdin asked him, tone once again serious.</p>
<p>Rob couldn't help but smile.  "Yes, my friend.  Thank you."  Mirdin pulled him closer once again, and ran his hand through Rob's hair before standing.</p>
<p>"Please remember, Jesse, that as your friend, I am with you.  Whatever you face, whether in the light of day or in the darkness of the mind, you are not alone," Mirdin told him.  His voice held nothing but sincerity.</p>
<p>In that moment, Rob wanted nothing more than to break down and tell him everything.  He wanted to tell his friend that his name wasn't really Jesse, that he wasn't a Jew, but a Christian, that he had a morbid gift to know when death was coming for someone, and that he was in love with Rebecca.  For only a moment, he almost did.  What would Mirdin think?  Would his friend abandon him, or would he help him keep his secret?  The only way to know was to tell him the truth.  But Rob couldn't risk it, not yet, not when he'd come so far.  Perhaps one day.</p>
<p>Instead, he said, "I will remember.  I promise."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Mirdin replied from his own bed.  Rob could hear it creak as he laid down once more.  It was still very late, or perhaps very early.  Only a moment later, Rob could hear his friend's soft snores.  He smiled and shook his head.  As long as Rob had known him, Mirdin had been able to fall into the blissful abyss of sleep without so much as a moment's hesitation.</p>
<p>Rob had never known that luxury.  Nevertheless, he laid back down in his cot, and pulled the blanket over him.  This time, when sleep did find him, he dreamt of England.  He saw the rolling hills and cobblestone streets, with his old master and mother on his left, and Rebecca, Mirdin, Karim, and Ibn Sina on his right.  The next day, and the day after that, and for many days to come, he held on to that dream.  It would never be a reality, but Rob held on to it despite that.  The dream served the same purpose as Mirdin's reminder had.  No matter what happened, he was not alone.</p>
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